Lover: An Album Review

Poppy, colourful, gay. This album screams “im an ally!” and boy oh boy. If I was gay and listened to this album id turn straight. THAT’S A JOKE.

I Forgot That You Existed

It fits its name. Generic, tight, stupid. Taylor is big dumb dumb. I'm kidding, its instrumentals are poppy and vibrant, its just generic white woman lyrics. It sounds like a cover you’d hear from a fucking trolls movie. Like its not anything special, its just a fart. Like it’s not a wet fart but rather a chicken shitzel. As I’m writing this ive already forgotten what this song sounds like, I just know it sounds ok. Solid 5.

Cruel Summer

Cruel Summer. I love the fucking instrumentals. This is essentially my favourite Taylor Swift song of all time. Taylor Swift makes such a catchy and groovy chorus and its just such a vibe to listen to and immerse yourself in the swirling instrumentals and strong vocals that Taylor commands in this track. Normally I’d nitpick her lackluster bars but the instrumentals, chorus, and bridge go so hard it doesn’t even matter. Cruel Summer’s sound sounds exactly what Taylor Swift represents and its amazing. Cruel Summer is a strong 9.

Lover

Lover is a really nice ballad and really highlights Taylor Swift’s vocals and how well they can hardcarry a song. The big boom boom noises have been swapped out with a tambourine, a guitar, and a drum kit and it works so well. Lover is a really sweet song, accompanied by solid lyrics, it’s a nice breather song and a nice song to prepare you for the shit storm that’s about to happen. Again, her ad-libs are great, maximizing the space in the track and letting things really sink into your mind. I don’t really have many

problems with Lover and its overall just a really lovely song. Lover is a strong 8.

The Man

I don’t think I’m the right audience for The Man. Its not that I agree with the meaning behind the song but I just think its tacky and derivative. It makes perfect sense that it’s a Taylor Swift song its just disappointing on how poorly she tries to convey this message. Of course if I was a white girl id start busting moves but honestly, this track is a stinker, the instrumentals are weak, and puts Taylor in a really awkward spot with a casual listener like me. Again, I don’t think I'm the right audience for this song which is why I give it a moderate 5.

Right now in the review you might be thinking, why is Mitchell actually giving decent scores, well I have an answer to that. That’s because I haven’t reviewed the rest of the album. The next songs are filler songs, redundant patootie garbage. Its empty, formulaic and highlights the repetitiveness of Taylor Swift.

Her vocals are really good and the instrumentals are sometimes really good, it just unfortunately gets covered in a mountain of bland openings, stinky lyrics, and yucky endings. I give all of these songs a 5. Like theres nothing particularly wrong with them, its just weak generic white pop trash. Its like eating a bag of doritos, its not good for you but you eat it because it makes you happy.

Paper Rings

Paper rings. Oh Boy. Again im just a hater. Its not a particularly bad song its just really cringe. It has a lot of energy and I can see that it’s a fun song to bop to with the girlies, i’m just not the right audience for this music. Not to say this song is bad, even though I think it is, I’m just being a hater. Its lyrics as usual are questionable but its masqueraded with this positive and joyous outlook on life its like eurgh. Paper rings are just as flimsy as the song itself, a weak 4.

You Need to Calm Down

The beat itself feels very swung but as pop goes, all swing and colour is removed and instead replaces it with an awkward imitation of life. Lyrics wise, I hate it. I just don’t think, I can look at these lyrics and say wow this person deserves all this fame. Its weak, pathetic, and just mumbo jumbo filler. The gay references just look like a pitiful attempt to widen her audience of anorexic white girls and beta cucks. Her vocal deliveries are however quite impressive yet again who didn’t see that coming. Her vocal range is stellar and even her rapping was nice. Her sense of rhythm is incredibly solid, something very different to the breathy gasps of Tortured Poets Department. I think this is when Taylor Swift is in her elements, the big boop baps of pop noises all jump off of Taylor’s deliveries and keeps the energy quite high. The ascending vocal hits before each chorus is also quite nice but the line

Is just so fucking shit. You're being too loud? Are you kidding me? Its such a stupidly immature line, it just bugs me more and more when I think about it. This track continues to follow the “vibrant” life of Lover and in return receives a solid 5.

ME!

ME! Oh my god. Put a gun to my head. Im kidding. The instrumentals are a blast, its beats are boppy and this entire track just radiates a very bombastic attitude and spreads fun and joy. The lyrics on the other hand are a real doozy. I don’t want to spend too much time analysing these lyrics and nitpicking everything Taytay has to say, I just want to highlight that theyre mid. At this point just get ghost writers. The marching drum pattern is very catchy, it just suffers from generic pop aneurysms. This track is a nice bop, I just can’t look at the lyrics with a serious face. ME! Is a strong 6.

My closing thoughts begin just like every other Taylor Swift review, Taylor Swift

continues to do what she does best, produce bright and bubbly pop slop for consumers to consume and enjoy and that’s ok. Its lyrics raise my eye brows but the beats raise my arms. Lover isn’t necessarily a bad album, its just very generic. If Cruel Summer and Lover were not in this album I’d probs dog it even more but luckily Taylor Swift hooked me in with some actual white girl bangers. Lover ends with a not so lovely rating of a weak 5.